Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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