If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
