Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
