i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
