no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
