oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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