Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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