On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
