thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
