EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
