i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
