I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
