I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
