He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
