wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
