It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
