Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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