I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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