that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
They are going to name an STD after you.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
