is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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