Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
i think my cat just said my name.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
