I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Everyone says I win the strip club
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
