i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
