people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
