I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
