Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize