To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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