Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
