If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
