i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
