why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Green mimosas i think yes
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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