She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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