yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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