My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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