My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
