I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
