I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
