This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
