So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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