How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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