Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
