Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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