i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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