I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
