Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
