Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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