he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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