I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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