i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
