I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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