dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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