i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize