I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
fuck your aforementioned shoe
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
