Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
