Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
