8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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