Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
