its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
