i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize